Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I stumbled upon this quote today. It makes me think many things...

 "When has God ever taken anything from a person without restoring it many times over? Yet what are we to think if He does not immediately restore what has been taken? Is today His only day to work? "
 --Streams in the Desert

 It reminds me that I serve an ever present God that, thankfully, is always working in me. It reminds me that even through the difficult times, He is working. He is moving. But that there is a time and a place for everything.

 How often am I looking for the instant fix? To just be "back to normal"? "Putting back together always takes longer than falling apart" (Josh Riebock, Heroes and Monsters). This journey, this process, in getting back to feeling restored is a process that I often just wish would get here.

 This has been a very trying year and a half, it feels like. I still find myself thinking the "what ifs" of life. If I had moved last August like I had originally planned in February... If my aunt hadn't passed away... If that fight hadn't happened with my cousin... Etc.
Plan all you want. Play out the scenarios. But one thing remains -- you cannot undo the things of the past. You cannot change the outcome of something that has already come to be. You cannot dwell on those things because in the end, sometimes there are more questions then answers. And sometimes in searching those answers - there is very little peace to be found.

 I am learning the meaning of being content with where I am. I am constantly being reminded of my need for patience. And I am living with the knowledge that God has placed me here for such a time as this. And that when the time for life to change comes, it will be the right move - the right direction - the right place -- because ultimately it will be His timing - His direction - His place - His plan.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Today it hit me like a freight train.

The memories of past holidays and the realization that this will be our first Thanksgiving and first Christmas without my aunt.

God I miss her.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I often don't understand or deserve the grace and provisions that God gives me.
Thanks, I only hope I can pass it on...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

summer goals

Last night I was packing for my trip to St Louis and I kept thinking about what I wanted my summer to look like... So I began to make a goal list. Like I do every summer.
This is it so far...
*Guitar Lessons.
*Clean out the darkroom.
*Make my t-shirt quilt.
*Finish my sudoku book.
*Research grad schools for Fall '12. (no school is off limits)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dear Summer,
Please come soon.
Love always,

Sunday, January 30, 2011

i will sing of your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy...

This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. For those of you who don't know, my aunt Debbie was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer 2 years and 2 months ago. She went through several rounds of chemotherapy and tried many other treatments, but a month ago the doctors told us that her body was just not responding and that there was nothing more that we could do. She was tired. She was sick for over two years straight; never having a remission. And on Friday she died.

I can't even explain the sorrow in my heart as I watched my cousins say goodbye to their mother and mom say goodbye to her sister.

People call and text asking how I am doing. How my mom is doing. How my cousins are doing. And I have no idea how to respond. I am handling it. I make it through. I am sad. I worry about my cousin. I miss my aunt. I wish that she never had to go through that. My mom is sad. She doesn't sleep well. I don't really think that any of us have slept well in the past month.

Tomorrow is the viewing. Tuesday is the funeral.

And past that, the plans are all out of my hands.

I do not have a plan for what happens next. And that freaks the crap out of me.

So instead of focusing on the things that I don't know, I focus on the things that I do know.

God has not abandoned my family and he hasn't abandoned me. There are some things that are meant to be not understood. If I do not have everything planned, I will not implode. Things will work themselves out, it won't be easy or pain free, but they will work out. Life goes on. There will be good days. There will also be bad days. I have family and friends that love me.
On February 17, I will make my first payment on my student loans. On Wednesday morning I will go back to work, and have a delicious smoothie. On Wednesday night I will go to youth group. On Thursday a new episode of Bones will be on.
At some unknown point in time the finger that I smashed in the car door will heal.

And I will have a picnic table talk with Dawn when she comes in to town like the ones we used to have in college.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

this is the only title i can come up with

I love my church.
I love the students that I get to hang out with. I love the staff that I get to hang out with. My church is seriously awesome. Okay. That is maybe the end of that bragging... Maybe.
But seriously. Here is why:
- Emotionally hard times... I've seen them happen in our students' lives. And I've seen their friends and their mentors in the youth group surround them and be people that are willing to be in the midst of that situation with them. I can't even tell you how much I love to see that when it happens.
- We have so much fun together.... Whether it is playing a game of Christian Guard, playing Ninja, watching a movie, or just eating some food together; I never leave without having abs that are a little sore or eyes that have a few tears because I have laughed THAT hard. And I will admit that I have become dangerously close to peeing my pants again.

And well... I have a new Wednesday night and Sunday night tradition. Like I mentioned in earlier posts, I am a co-leader for a small group for our high school ministry, and it is hosted at an awesome family's house on Wednesday nights. I am in love with this family. They are the type of family that when you meet them, you instantly feel like a part of it. So now, when group is over, Doug and I and a few others will go to this family's house and eat some amazing food and just hang out with them. The new Sunday night tradition started two weeks ago. There is an awesome chinese restaurant that is just down the road from our church. When I was an intern at St Mark we would eat there before Wednesday nights, and I am so glad that we have started back up at eating there. It is great food for a great price and I love the owner. It is owned place by a chinese family, so the wife is always there, and is usually always the waitress/hostess. She is awesome. So anyways, now every Sunday night after youth group, a majority of the group goes down to the restaurant and has a huge family style chinese dinner.

I am officially a Jamba Juice employee. I went through a seriously intense week of training and our store officially has its grand opening tomorrow morning at 10am. I am pretty much monumentally pumped. I work with such a great team - seriously, from owner to management to all team members... I am so pumped. So I'm not "using" my degree, but I am gaining a new life experience, and hopefully impacting the people that I meet there. I'm excited to work there. And well, the great smoothies are a plus.

I am pumped about Thanksgiving, but that is another post that will have to come later. I need to get to sleep.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

marcel the shell with shoes on

I was introduced to this video by some students in my youth group last night at a movie night that was hosted at Seth and Nikki's house. Oh my goodness. It seriously had me crying. It was the simple things really... Like the voice of Marcel and the part when Marcel's like "sometimes people say that my head is too big for my body and I say compared to what?" and "we won't fight unless we're provoked". I love it all.

It was all around a fun night last night.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

update shmupdate

A hodge-podge of updates.

1)I survived the Middle School Fall Retreat. It was maybe one of the greatest ones I've been on. Adam Sharp spoke for us and Chris Lehane led worship for us. Saturday was spent lounging, world domination in Risk, playing games of mafia, playing some hide and seek around the place we were staying at, having a bonfire, and concluding the day with the greatest dance party EVER. I just wish that I could have been a part of it more, but such is life with a recovering injury. I'm not supposed to really run, jump, dance on the foot yet... But I did get out on the floor for a few songs. Paying for it now.

2) I am pumped for this weekend and the High School Fall Retreat. Jared Gregory is going to be speaking. It's going to be a blast. No doubt.

3) Next week I start training for the new Jamba Juice that is opening in the Eddy Street Commons. I am so excited to begin working there. We have the greatest team ever! No Joke. I am so pumped to work with Dana, Dian, and Mary.

4)I think in the past two weeks I have watched the trailer for Despicable Me at least a hundred times. My nephew Brayln absolutely loves watching it, and I can't even describe what its like to watch him watch the trailer.

5) I think my love of coffee is bordering on addiction. Seriously... Some days I wake up and it is the very first thing that I think about. Especially when it is the Vanilla Biscotti blend. Mmmm.

6) I find that more and more often [especially in the last week] I wish I was better at basic math. And things like telling time. But I'm not. It comes from being dyslexic. Give me a page of math problems and I will work those out no problem... But when it comes to like recording down amounts of money spent and adding those things together - numbers get jumbled. I remember that I always hated doing receipts for Seth when I worked for him because it would take FOREVER to do. And I seriously have no concept of time. Someone can call me and if I don't look at a clock and someone asks when they called... I can't tell you. Not even a rough estimate of when it was. 20 minutes is sometimes 45 minutes. And 45 minutes is sometimes 20 minutes. And in stories that I tell... Usually "the other day" refers to anything that happened before "yesterday".

7) I saw all the snow on Friday night... And I was pumped. I was so not really expecting to feel that way about it. I am unbelievably excited about Christmas music and hot chocolate. And watching Elf. And napping on the couch in the living room when there is tons of snow falling outside.

The end.