This week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. For those of you who don't know, my aunt Debbie was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer 2 years and 2 months ago. She went through several rounds of chemotherapy and tried many other treatments, but a month ago the doctors told us that her body was just not responding and that there was nothing more that we could do. She was tired. She was sick for over two years straight; never having a remission. And on Friday she died.
I can't even explain the sorrow in my heart as I watched my cousins say goodbye to their mother and mom say goodbye to her sister.
People call and text asking how I am doing. How my mom is doing. How my cousins are doing. And I have no idea how to respond. I am handling it. I make it through. I am sad. I worry about my cousin. I miss my aunt. I wish that she never had to go through that. My mom is sad. She doesn't sleep well. I don't really think that any of us have slept well in the past month.
Tomorrow is the viewing. Tuesday is the funeral.
And past that, the plans are all out of my hands.
I do not have a plan for what happens next. And that freaks the crap out of me.
So instead of focusing on the things that I don't know, I focus on the things that I do know.
God has not abandoned my family and he hasn't abandoned me. There are some things that are meant to be not understood. If I do not have everything planned, I will not implode. Things will work themselves out, it won't be easy or pain free, but they will work out. Life goes on. There will be good days. There will also be bad days. I have family and friends that love me.
On February 17, I will make my first payment on my student loans. On Wednesday morning I will go back to work, and have a delicious smoothie. On Wednesday night I will go to youth group. On Thursday a new episode of Bones will be on.
At some unknown point in time the finger that I smashed in the car door will heal.
And I will have a picnic table talk with Dawn when she comes in to town like the ones we used to have in college.